I bought medicine for a woman yesterday and then left her to die. At least that is what it felt like.

Cavalier was her name.  My four-year-old Jet and I were trying to finish shopping (I was shopping, Jet was whining *cue wah track*) when she approached us, a frail elderly woman in one of the store’s motorized carts. Could I help her buy her heart medicine? She asked.  We walked over to the pharmacy. Between Jet’s whimpering about how he never gets to buy any thing, and Cavalier’s ramblings about her heart and being sick, I learned from the pharmacist that she has an antibiotic on her file.  Cavalier began what I suspect was a well-rehearsed story about her health and troubles.  Jet droned on about just picking out one small toy. Cavalier’s medicine would cost $20.  As I reached out to pay the cashier, Cavalier said, wait, maybe she would just like some food and something different. Jet let out a wail that he just wanted one Green Lantern or maybe some gum.  PLEASE, Momma!  I looked from the frail woman to the tow-headed boy, exasperated with them both.

Jet wanted another action figure.  Cavalier wanted more than her medicine.  I told them both no.  I paid for the antibiotic, and hugged Cavalier as I handed her the medicine.  I dragged my four-year-old to the car.

Then I couldn’t sleep. 

I replayed the scene in my mind a hundred times. My heart was not right toward Jet or Cavalier.  I wanted the quickest way out with both of them. Perhaps grace would have bought a bag of grapes and animal crackers and sat down to eat on the pharmacy benches. At that moment, they were both crying out to me, and maybe ‘no’ was the best answer, but I left and took Jet with me.  I left Cavalier behind.  Cavalier…God has quite a sense of humor.  He named her Cavalier, but I was the careless one, the haughty one. 

~suelarkinsweems